Shakespeare’s Apprentice

IT started in summer before college.

At that time, while most kids were taking summer classes, or hanging out with their friends, I was at home–with nothing to do.

Well, eating and sleeping aren’t exactly “nothing” as I was the person, who had a romance with “delicious,” and soft pillows and sheets. The two were a deadly combo and by the time I stepped into college, I was bigger than I was in high school.

It’s a matter of location they say. People from other countries would say how thin I am. But in my own country, people say I am fat, or mataba in our language. It comes often and I wonder if that’s the only thing people will ever see in me.

I could blame our lack of finances (for during that time, there was only enough for the basics) or the lack of encouragement. I wish my circumstances have been better, however, I have become this and I would really like to change it.

I have always felt that I have missed out on many things because of my weight and the lack of finances–dating and experiencing the world.

The thing is, I’m not hideous, socially retarded or dumb–just, inexperienced.

And you won’t believe how inexperience can put a wall between you and the next person. Most people would take that against me. I have pretty strong views on women being treated right (and of course men as well) and whenever I would give my advice, the person would just give me this look and say, “Oh, you’re just saying that because you don’t know what it’s like to be in love.”

Fine, I just say and shut up. People don’t know how much you try to fit in and be there for them–and then they just shut you out. Most of my friends have their partners and they probably find it difficult to confide in someone who is “inexeperienced.”

I don’t blame them, though. Most people want to talk to someone who is familiar with their troubles and assure them they are not alone. I sometimes wish I could be that someone.

This is why I’m making up now with all my free time and countless moments of contemplation.

I want to catch up on life and experience it–as how a 20-year-old really should.

Photo from: http://nadjia.deviantart.com/art/self-54930033

I wish this was as paranormal as I had made it sound.

But to my dismay— I found that it is not. 

The ghosts are back, and it is in fact my fault, that I have let them in. Revenge never does any good, I had just so pondered.

I had been fooling myself—

I know some of my convictions had been right, yet I have never moved on. The very ghosts who have come to me, were the ones I had created, long time ago…

And now, I face them once again.

How can one glimpse be so painful?

Was it rejection? Was it my unworthiness?

And the biggest question—and perhaps, the most denied—

How can one want to be the very thing he hates?

I sat silently on the wooden floor, pretending to fix some randomly scatterred things. I waited—

and finally, the footsteps.

Slightly rushed footsteps driven by the weaknesses of the human soul now got louder…and finally— they stopped.

The exchange of defenses began, and at that point– I only allowed for little compromise. My voice shook, almost to a point where I knew I was going to cry.

But I didn’t. And I did not want to.

I stared at it… and perhaps for too long. My eyes ached with pain, yet there was an even greater pain— a pain whose location I would rather not identify.

The rain would not stop… I wish it would and footsteps… I hear footsteps—

I am thinking it is mine, but as I listened, it turned out to be someone else’s. It sounded like mine, but it was really hers. I looked up and there she was, untangling her dark brown curls. She dragged a chair and brought it front of me.

She sat in front of me and stared, with a knowing look in her face.

"I told you didn’t I?" she said, puffing a stick of cigarette, whose orange light I could not help but stare at. I did not want to look at her.

I answered her with silence and continued to stare at the glowing blue box in front of me.

"Staring won’t change things. Or will staying in this dreadful place," she reminded me, getting up from the chair. She threw the cigarette on the soiled-up floor and stretched like a lazy cat.

"Why did you not tell me?" I finally had the courage to ask.

She stopped stretching and gave me a glance—a glance, out of pity or frustration, I could not tell. She walked up to me, bent down, and parted the hair that was hanging in front of my face.

"I have been telling you, yet you had always denied me. Out of fear, I understand…"

"I am not afraid—" I began, yet she cut me at once.

"Why must you deny it now, when it is actually the truth? Why must you deny it, from me?!" she exclaimed. 

"You do not understand."

"I understand and even if you deny…I know."

"What makes you sure that what you understand is the truth?"

"The truth exists in your actions, not your words. I have told you long ago."

"The truth only exists when it is confirmed."

"The truth exists, even when it is denied! And how could you not see?"

"And what shall happen if I speak? I have always been a fool and I will not be a fool now!" I shouted.

"Only a fool would deny to face the truth. How could you be a fool if you do not even know what makes you a sinner?"

"She speaks of me, as if I was. And I am in a losing battle… how could I confront what chooses to be invisible?"

"Invisibility is a sign of weakness and so is, indirectness. Remember this, that nothing happens without reason."

"I am in the middle…"

"You put yourself there!" she shouted with fury.

It’s been weeks since I’ve finished HP and right now, I’m having a Harry Potter Withdrawal Syndrome. It’s like not smoking anymore,er, well, I really don’t smoke, but people will tell you the same thing. It’s over. Finished. Sigh. What will happen now? Damn.

If frustrations could be turned into words, then this page would no longer have any space, let alone even for a dot.

The Philippine media has been a frustration for many, not just for media-criticizing fools such as my self. Perhaps, it would be unfair to say that it has not improved, because at some degree, it has. For one thing, we no longer have those cliché movies with classic warehouse gun fights.

Well, er, that’s a start.

The Philippine media still needs further improvement as far as one is concerned. Here are areas that really need tweaking:

TELEVISION AND MOVIES Issue#1: THE PLOT ORIGINALITY

As far as I’m concerned, originality has been down the drain for a long time now. Nag! Nag! Nag!

The probinsyana goes to Manila as a maid, works for a rich family, falls in love with the young binata, who in turn, falls in love with her. Mama gets angry, swears to get her son’s mana if he doesn’t leave probinsyana. He defies her and soon finds himself having a baby with probinsyana. Mama gets mad and thinks of a genius plan to break the two off (that includes binata’s mestiza ex-girlfriend who suddenly enters the picture). Mestiza ex-girlfriend goes along and soon learns probinsyana is a nice girl. They become friends. Mama doesn’t give up and later, she finds herself sin a tangle of misery. Probinsyana and binata get married and the mama… Well, she either gets wounded in an accident or dies in a fire. Story closed.

We need new plots, new stories. Here’s the thing now, there may have been new plots, but they did and do not fit the Filipino culture. For ages, there have been several attempts to westernize Philippine media, and these attempts have been successful. I said attempts, hadn’t I? The trouble is that, whenever they try to pull something off, it comes off wrong. The westernized plot is fine, but the execution and details must be customized to fit the Filipino culture.

I can’t help it. Parang may mali talaga. More often than not, things just come off corny.

Horror movies often come out as disappointments. There are some good ones recently, but then the rest are just corny and awkward. Filipino romantic movies and love teams are overrated. I don’t even have the motivation to watch them. I really have yet to see a movie that is subtle and realistic. The last movie I liked was the movie where Aga and Claudine were soon-to-be in laws. The movie was very realistic, subtle, and very Filipino. It would’ve been perfect if only they hadn’t rushed the ending.

Issue#2: THE ACTING I do not wish for this to be treated as a medium for bashing really horrible actors, and so I wrote acting, instead of actors. For one thing, some actors need to polish their skills. It doesn’t take a critic to see the awkwardness, especially in delivering lines.

Again, I can’t help it. Parang may mali talaga.

This is what’s wrong with Philippine television and movies. They get all these good-looking actors. Only trouble is, they can’t act.

Acting is a profession. And if you can’t act, then why the heck should are they paying you millions for? If you’re already there then, thanks to your manager, then why not improve your acting skills? Now this is the part where nagging comes in.

Acting is among the three sought-after professions in the Philippines, alongside being a basketball player and a politician. (It’s actually a stepping stone to become a politician and I really don’t want to get into that.) It has with it what any man would DESIRE for.

Fame, fortune, and fafas.

If you would give all these to a person, why not give it to someone really deserving—someone who has the talent and someone who doesn’t keep the production team waiting for ten hours? Pity, how the Philippine media has become very superficial. Sure, just keep on putting people who look alike, but can’t act.

Bottom line is we really need actors, not pretty faces in need of air-time. There are lots of professions out there, sweetie. If acting isn’t for you, please don’t force yourself to it.

Issue#3: THE PRODUCTION AND THE SHOW I was really excited to learn that there would be the Philippines’ Next Top Model to be aired in RPN 9.

And so I watched the first episode. Nag! Nag! Nag!

The audio needed to be boosted up, especially when the girls were speaking. Hello, I couldn’t hear you. There was also trouble with the show itself. I could understand how the show was struggling to be like the foreign versions, but with all honestly, it didn’t compare.

At first, I was wowed by the people who were going to be there, considering they stood out in their fields. Trouble was, these people and the models weren’t established. The show paced too fast that none of the models’ names or faces even stuck to my head. The people, on the other hand, who were set out to train these girls needn’t be afraid of being upfront. The people in the modeling business are of different attitudes, some of them bitchy at some point. The bottom line is you train them to face these kinds of people. Why pretend that everything is all nice, warm, and gooey, when in the real world, it really isn’t like that?

It was also disappointing, because the show was almost turned into one of those soaps, where someone always cries. Kailangan ba talagang may umiyak lagi? Sure, the Filipinos are very sentimental. But this was too much. I’ve seen too much crying already. Blame it on those cheesy television soaps. Another thing I couldn’t help, but notice, was the fact that the girls were unprepared. They were all freaking out when they learned they were going to be waxed, down there. Hello, you’re going to be a model! You’re going to wear bikinis …so how could you not have waxed or be so afraid of waxing?

People perceive media and modeling as a means of superficial gratification. Modeling is glamorous, yes, but just like acting, it is a profession. It is done for business. And just like any profession, needs preparation. Models invest on their body and so do pretty much everything to take care of and enhance it. (I’m just crossing my fingers that PNTM would be better next year.)

Issue#4: THE ENTERTAINMENT The definition of entertainment is far subjective to be discussed. In the Philippine media’s point of view, however, the definition of entertainment usually involves dancing girls in short skirts, people dancing crazy just to get money, slapstick, green, and wife jokes. How far is one willing to go just to have money? Farther than you think. Wowowee is a show that caters to help people and I have nothing against that. The only point I have against it though is how it gets people into looking like fools, just so they could have a few thousand pesos. Okay, so I have to look like a fool for you to give me money? I really feel for those people who come all the way from the ends of the country just to get to that show and end up doing weird dance steps and singing that doo-doo song just for money? Who are they fooling?

Just as much as Wowowee seeks to help people, it is also undeniable that it is still a show. It is a business, made to get ratings. Think about it. This is how bad poverty is in the Philippines. And poverty isn’t just the only thing bad in the Philippines.

How women are treated is also another issue in the Philippines. Perhaps, the severity of the issue is not as great as that of other countries’, but the truth remains that women are being degraded with the way they are portrayed or used in television shows. Why must be women in mini shorts, raising their legs up and splitting, while these perverted hosts check on them and even make them do some boob-juggling dance? Why must be wives be made the center of jokes? Why is the typical wife stereotyped and portrayed as fat, with her hair in a bun? Why must a sexy girl be stupid? Why can’t mistresses be ugly? Why can’t wives be beautiful?

The bad treatment of women is too subtle for it to be an issue, yet it really calls for immediate attention.

RADIO There are only two things I can complain about radio. Perversion and unprofessionalism. Perversion, again, with the way words are used. Often times, words have double meanings. And the jokes they have are absolutely perverted. (Some of them jokes are good ones though, even when irritatingly corny. Kukurukuku’s jokes are examples.) I just don’t like it particularly when jokes about women are being said and when djs are advising or somewhat suggesting their male listeners to actually cheat.

Here is the thing I hate about radio broadcasters. Actually, it’s also applicable for television hosts and broadcasters. See, they have guests right? What really gets on my nerves is when they cut the sentence of the guest speaking. The person hasn’t finished and they obnoxiously cut in. Perhaps, they’re lacking time, but a polite explanation would better do than an abrupt cut. Manners would really do. And perhaps there could be better much done on radio, than hearing them laughing on air. Sure, they can laugh. Not throughout the whole show though. Spare thy ears, please.

Love vs. Honor is the most dramatic pattern of all — defined by an innate tug of war between what you want to do and what you think you should do.

But, here’s the recurring pattern you may see in your relationships: There is something coming between you and love.

Perhaps it’s a religious conviction, a previous commitment, family, patriotic duty, or deep belief that good things only come at a terrible price.

You tend to put others’ needs before your own. Romance is not your number one priority, though in the back of your mind you are holding out for a soul mate.

If you’re looking for examples you can start back with the Greek myths where heroes were often forced to give up love and the comforts of home for battles in far-off lands. In Charles Dickens’ "Great Expectations," Estella chooses to obey her benefactress and break Pip’s heart, even though she deeply regrets doing so. Political obligations and previous relationships tear Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman apart in the unforgettable film "Casablanca."

In your pattern, you find your soul mate, only to discover you can’t be together unless you give up something precious, or jeopardize other relationships or ideals that are important to you. The decision itself is at the heart of your pattern. How do you choose? If this is your one chance at true love, can anything be worth giving it up? Can you enjoy love knowing you’ve betrayed something dear to you to achieve it? Or will the love be stronger for your sacrifice. This pattern is about confronting your values and life choices. It’s about reevaluating what’s important to you and choosing to remain on the same path or move in a new direction.

If you’ve devoted yourself to long-term academic study or a consuming career that demands longevity in order to succeed, careers like medicine, law, business — you might feel you’re letting yourself down if you throw yourself off-track with a relationship. Do you have a family member for whom choice of religion, career, social position is a really big deal? Are you afraid to disappoint them if your partner doesn’t match the mold?

In the movie version of "The End of the Affair," Julianne Moore plays a woman who makes a pact with God to stop cheating on her husband if her lover survives a terrible injury. When he lives, she’s forced to keep her promise, breaking both their hearts in the process. All relationships, at some point or another, require sacrifices. These painful decisions are familiar to everyone. No wonder it’s so easy to relate to this romantic pattern’s historical, literary, and cinematic counterparts. You’re living it!!

taken from tickle

* I’d like to think that my leg’s just being pulled, but then, well, this stuff is most true. Nothing more to be said. Just read the whole stuff.

I have become the world’s biggest fool.

I cannot deny thy feeling, or perhaps, I am just being carried away. Pathetic it is, on how I stare at his grin and contemplate on whatever made me do such thing. Stupid Bok.

HIstory just repeated itself, thanks to me.

Strange how it is to feel terrible over someone who doesn’t even know who you are and someone who you don’t even know. I guess, I have, in theory, fallen in love with the theory and anatomy of him, the possibility of his seemingly perfect being. I wonder, if I deserve to be idealistic?

Does being idealistic only apply to those who are, themselves, ideal?

I promised myself this whole self-torture would stop, but then Christmas, just suddenly reminded me of him. The cold air, the encounter…

Our worlds never collided. Well, only for a while. Sigh.

He was beautiful. He is beautiful.

Yet he will remain a beautiful theory of my perceived ideals.

I am living in a country where the svelte and the slim are common and worshipped. I’ve really had it with all the stereotypes and those stupid, carelessly aimed comments. Filipinos are so tactless. Is your weight all that f****** matters?!! I don’t need your stupid opinion. I know I’m fat, so why don’t you just shut your trap?! YOU DON’T NEED TO EMPHASIZE IT!

If you don’t know me, don’t talk about how fat I am. YOU DON’T HAVE TO TALK.

IF YOU HAVE NOTHING GOOD TO SAY, JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

I may not speak out loud or I may just laugh it off, but it still hurts me. I am not blind. I know what the world wants. I know what the world likes.

Everything is falling into pieces right now. Wow. I am soo damn lucky.

People treat you bad just because you don’t have money to pay for your tuition.  You treat me like GARBAGE just because I fill your desks with a pile of promisory notes. It must be my fault you treat me so bad. But it isn’t just me. Huwag mo akong tarayan at huwag mo akong maliitin. You just wait and see you bitch.

SOME people really act differently towards more priveleged people. They’re more accommodating and nice. Ha. A bunch of users, superficial ass***** and creeps. You must be so damn lonely with your lives. And you think everyone loves you? THINK AGAIN!

Another thing, men should be transported from Mars, as soon as possible. How could they be so dense, so extremes in everything? Damn it.

Screw drama.

Kailangan munang may mamatay, kailangan munang hiwalayan sila o kailangan munang may masaktan sila bago nila marealize yung kagaguhan nila!

Ooh.. I love you.

Screw you.

airplanes
take you away again
are you flying above where we live
then i look up, a glare in my eyes
are you having regrets about last night
i’m not, but i like rivers that
rush in
so then i dove in
is there trouble ahead for you, the acrobat
i won’t push you, unless you have a net

you say the word you know i will find you
or if you need some time i don’t mind
i don’t hold on to the tail of your kite
i’m not like the girls that you’ve known
but i believe i’m worth coming home to
kiss away night
this girl only sleeps with butterflies
with butterflies
so go on and fly then, boy

balloons look good from on the ground
i fear with pins and needles around
we may fall then stumble upon a carousel
it could take us anywhere

you say the word you know i will find you
or if you need some time i don’t mind
i don’t hold on to the tail of your kite
i’m not like the girls that you’ve known
but i believe i’m worth coming home to
kiss her, waiting by this girl
this girl

you say the word you know i will find you
or if you need some time i don’t mind
i don’t hold onto the tail of your kite
i’m not like the girls that you’ve known
but i believe i’m worth coming home to
kiss away night
this girl only sleeps with butterflies
with butterflies
with butterflies
so go on and fly boy